101 things to do in Walmart
by Theonewhostandsout
Summary: What happens when the Cullens get bored and decide to go down the infamous 101 things to do in walmart list and set out to complete them. Hilarious-ness! 1st chapter's only the list and who's doing what though.
1. The List

**Okay so I have randomly found this list on google and have decided to make a story out of it. This is just saying who does what, in this though I'll be posting the first actual chapter sometime today or tomorrow! Just FYI I just pretty much read over these then typed in someone's name who'd probably make it awkard or hilarious.**

**101 FUN Things to do at Wal-Mart **

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them **(Alice) **  
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. **(Jasper)**

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals **(Carlisle)**  
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get **(Rose)**  
to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the **(Bella)**  
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. **(Emmett)**

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. **(Edward)**

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. **(Jasper)**

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, **(Esme)**  
especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I **(Edward)**  
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what  
happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off **(Carlisle)**  
and turn the volumes to "10″.

12. Play with the automatic doors. **(Bella and Emmett)**

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen **(Rose)**  
you in so long!…" etc. See if they play along to avoid  
embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask **(Esme)**  
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,  
anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. **(Alice)**

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're **(Emmett and Jasper)**  
taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about **(Bella)**  
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the  
department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store **(Everyone)**  
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look **(Rose)**  
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M's on layaway. **(Edward)**

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. **(Carlisle)**

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll **(Bella, Edward, and Emmett)**  
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from **(Jasper)**  
the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. **(Edward)**

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around **(Alice)**  
saying,"…I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible. **(Alice and Carlisle)**

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. **(Rose and Esme)**

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" **(Jasper)**  
upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, **(Bella)**  
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired **(Emmett)**  
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any  
Shnerples here?"

31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale **(Emmett, Edward, Jasper, and Carlisle)**  
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

32. Take bets on the battle described above. **(Same as above and Rose)**

33. Hold indoor shopping cart races. **(Emmett and Edward)**

34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from **(Alice)**  
"Mission: Impossible."

35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while **(Carlisle)**  
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I  
need some tampons!!"

36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department. **(Jasper)**

37. Try on bras over top of your clothes. **(Emmett)**

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. **(Esme)**

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. **(Carlisle)**

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to **(Alice)**  
your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. **(Emmett and Jasper)**

42. Two words: "Marco Polo." **(Everyone)**

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet **(Rose)**  
food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. **(Edward)**

45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the **(Alice)**  
restrooms

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at **(Jasper)**  
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. **(Bella and Edward)**

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, **(Jasper)**  
assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those  
voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. **(Emmett)**

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and **(Carlisle)**  
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain  
that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little  
umbrella in it.

51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice **(Emmett)**  
possible "Sexy can I"

52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your **(Edward, and Alice)**  
head and walk around the store casually.

53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the **(Bella and Rose**  
mannequins.

54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. **(Esme)**

55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run **(Jasper)**  
between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror **(Carlisle)**  
while you pick your nose.

57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. **(Alice and Jasper)**  
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly **(Rose)**  
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act  
as spastic as possible.

59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and **(Esme)**  
women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch **(Rose)**  
everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with **(Emmett)**  
various funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse **(Bella and Carlisle)**  
through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare  
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you **(Alice)**  
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is  
breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you  
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was  
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME  
darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto  
the ground screaming and having convulsions.

64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people **(Edward)**  
out.

65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and **(Emmett)**  
begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."

66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of **(Alice)**  
shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the  
boxes and throw it in various aisles.

67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. **(Alice)**

68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every  
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another **(Carlisle)**  
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.  
"hi!!!! (Giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy  
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.  
"hi!!!! (Giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in people's **(Jasper)**  
carts when they don't realize it!

70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of **(Bella)**  
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean  
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front  
of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the  
perfume!!"

71. Hit on the elderly. **(Rose)**

72. Hit on 5 year olds. **(Alice)**

73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly  
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left **(Carlisle)**  
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the  
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like  
crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was  
the biggest Cockroach I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!  
Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.

74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray. **(Esme)**

75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that you're a cat. **(Jasper)**  
Meow when people walk by; rub up against their legs, etc.

76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that you're a  
prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to **(Edward)**  
people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.

77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your **(Emmett chasing everyone)**  
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those  
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they  
don't know you.

78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for  
toddlers. Fit the character; if you're on a hoarse, and then pretend **(Jasper)**  
that you're a cowboy, etc... And if a little kid comes over  
wanting to use it, start barking at them until  
they run away crying.

79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind  
customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your **(Bella and Alice)**  
friend.

80. Excessively use anything thing that says "Try Me". **(Carlisle)**

81. Start pocketing any and all free samples. **(Esme)**

82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins. **(Rose)**

82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say  
"Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter  
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of **(Emmett)**  
French fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say  
"Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you  
say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from  
Caldor's, but not Wal-Mart. People who are gay are just like  
everyone else your know. You disgust me" Then walk away  
mumbling to yourself. If you're a guy, try to act as valley- girl-  
like as you can

83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people **(Alice)**  
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all  
your friends seem to have a rash too.

84. When you're alone, have loud conversations with your  
"multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern  
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old **(Edward)**  
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should  
sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly  
good time. (English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta  
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.

85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms **(Bella)**  
and legs around like your having some kind of massive  
seizure.

86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the **(Emmett and Jasper)**  
store.

87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to **(Jasper)**  
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your  
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to  
go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then  
quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away  
as fast as your can.

88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger, **(Alice)**  
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while  
singing the circus song.

89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department **(Emmett)**

90. Put lingerie in the men's department. **(Carlisle)**

91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn **(Rose)**  
around.

92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that **(Edward)**  
someone is trying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,  
start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little  
attention" Then run away crying.

93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while, **(Esme)**  
start saying blink every time it blinks. Don't look away, just  
stay mesmerized.

94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in **(Jasper)**  
my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your  
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming  
"NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO  
NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the  
eyes, and Calmly say "I…will start…a fire…" The pull out a  
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't  
light the zippo, just hold it closed.

95. Light a match under a spinkler. **(Bella)**

96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I **(Emmett)**  
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get  
my shot gun". Then walk away.

97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my **(Carlisle)**  
god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.  
Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then  
walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.

98. Stand next to a mannequin and pretend that you're a **(Edward)**  
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as  
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your  
watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get  
paid enough to do this"

99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone. **(Bella)**

100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen **(Alice)**  
my mommy?"

101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless. **(Emmett)**

BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.


	2. The beginning of our insanity

**Bella's still human in this.**

**Bpov**

This year I was spending spring break with the Cullens' while Charlie's gone to some sort-of police convention. Even after a couple hours around the house everyone was bored.

"Being immortal sucks!" Emmett announced walking into the living room, and sitting down onto the couch next to me. (On the opposite side of Edward).

"Why's that?" Carlisle asked walking into the room with Esme next to him, their hands entwined.

"There's nothing to do!" He replied looking completely and insanely bored. "What about that list we found the other day?" Jasper asked entering the room, with Alice and Rosalie following behind them.

"Oh Yeah! I almost forgot about that!" Emmett said hopping up to go find the list and was back in a second carrying about 8 sheets of paper.

"Emmett wants to know who should do what." Edward announced to the room lifting me up into his lap so he could wrap his arms around my waist. He kissed my hair over and over again and I turned to face him so he could kiss me lightly on the lips.

"I love you." He whispered to my lips, chuckling, as he lightly pecked my lips again.

I heard mummers in the background, but couldn't hear anything over the ringing in my ears. "So it's settled we'll have someone close their eyes and say the numbers and who'll do it. Then we'll head out to Walmart!" Alice announced giving everyone a bright smile.

"I'll do it." Carlisle volunteered and he dropped Esme's hand and went with Emmett and Alice to pick who did what blindly.

"Oh god..." Edward muttered a couple seconds later. I gave him a questioning look. "We're going to have to do alotta crap." Edward announced kissing my forehead.

"How bad?" I asked. "Emmett has the worst." Edward told me. I laughed and he laughed along with me.

Everyone was passed a list of which one's they're doing, I glanced down at mine and my first one said.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the **(Bella)**  
spray air fresheners.

I showed Edward mine and he laughed pointing out one of his or should I say ours.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. **(Bella and Edward)**

"This should be fun." Edward whispered into my ear and I nodded in agreement.

* * *

**30 minutes later** **Walmart**

I felt like an idiot dressed up in this. Emmett and Jasper convinced us to "Disguise ourselves", by that they meant we all dress up in idiotic clothes we'd never wear.

Carlisle was dressed up like a biker, Esme was in camoflauge, Alice was wearing worn-out clothes. Rose decided to pretty much put on guy clothes. Jasper was in a black wig with a matching mustache and dressed in Emmett's clothes.

Emmett dressed up as Jasper, and Edward was also wearing a black wig, plain gray AE sweats and a matching sweatshirt.

I was wearing something that I would never wear honestly, quite frankly it was an Alice outfit. Blue Sleeveless dress that went right above my knees that had slight ruffles here and there with a pair of stilettos.

"Hey beautiful, come on." Edward whispered in my ear staring down at my dress, his topaz eyes sparkling like diamonds in the sun, like his skin.

He held out his hand and I took it and we walked inside walmart with everyone else all of holding our list in one hand and our significant others hand in theirs.

"EMMETT I'LL KILL YOU!" Edward roared as we walked through the doors of Walmart.

_What did he think?!_

"Sorry, I couldn't resist." Emmett replied chuckling as we entered the store. I gave Edward a 'What did Emmett do this time' look. "He was imagining us doing something Charlie would shoot me for." Edward whispered looking pissed off, I caressed his face to calm him down.

That seemed to do the trick.

"Okay I guess we'll all need to split up. Turn on the phones." Alice announced as we entered the main entrance. We all nodded pulling out our phones and saying goodbye to our loves before going off to travel the store alone or with someone of the same gender.

"Hey Bells! Do you wanna travel together?" Alice asked me and I nodded. "YAYS!" Alice piped and we walked off to start our first things.

"I have to take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them  
and stranding them at strategic locations." Alice told me reading off her first one.

"I have to contaminate the auto depatment by sampling air-fresheners." I summed up pulling out my handy list and reading down my list.

_5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the **(Bella)**  
spray air fresheners._

_12. Play with the automatic doors. **(Bella and Emmett)**_

_17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about **(Bella)**  
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the  
department._

_18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store **(Everyone)**  
as your playing field._

_22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll **(Bella, Edward, and Emmett)**  
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath._

_29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, **(Bella)**  
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"_

_47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. **(Bella and Edward)**_

_53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the **(Bella and Rose**  
mannequins._

_62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse **(Bella and Carlisle)**  
through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare  
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them_

_70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of **(Bella)**  
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean  
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front  
of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the  
perfume!!"_

_79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind  
customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your **(Bella and Alice)**  
friend._

_85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms **(Bella)**  
and legs around like your having some kind of massive  
seizure._

_95. Light a match under a spinkler. **(Bella)**_

_99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone. **(Bella)**_

"Let's start this!" Alice chimed I grabbed a couple of buggies and Alice walked next to me with about 10. I put a basket in one of my buggies, 'For the air fresheners', I explained and she just nodded.

"I'm going to start mine, I'll meet you in the auto department when I'm done." Alice said and she handed me my tiny basket and took my buggies I nodded and started off towards the air fresheners.

**The real action will begin soon!**


End file.
